The Pretend Music Diversity Awards: A Grammy Rant

Ladies and Gents, welcome to the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards!

Arguably music's most prestigious event, the Grammies are catered to the masses: an astounding and often obtuse celebration of musical viability in the world today. Celebrating genres across the board and allowing new artists a way into the public eye, this awards show is something worth celebrating for musicians in the industry today.

That being said, let's cut the crap.

While it is easy to observe the diversity at the Grammies, with 109 awards spread out over 29 categories and multiple genres, it is easy to get lost in figures and forget the real value of representation.On television, when we watch the Grammies, we see all the prominent faces: Beyonce Knowles, Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, even Kanye West briefly as he makes his way to call out Ms. Swift again. We see exactly what the record companies want us to see: their shiny, beautiful clients. No one is interested in the real musicians receiving awards that evening: modern composers, sound technicians, alternative rock bands and small middle-American baptist choirs that win lifetime achievement. The record companies have no cause to support these artists: they aren't world-renowned, they don't reel in platinum records and, frankly, a lot of them look like the ugly kids corporate execs picked on in high school.

Thus, the Grammies are reduced to drooling at the television in envy. The world of music must be so glamorous, and that glamour mongering is an important selling tool in the industry today. Where once the prestige of being a musician was in the difficulty to achieve success and viability among your peers, it is now reduced to a pair of double-D's and adding the words "feat. Usher" to your song title.

There was once a time where the Grammies meant something. Let's observe past Grammy winners for Best Record:

Moon River, The Girl from Impanema, Mrs. Robinson,
Strangers in the Night, Bridge over Troubled Waters,
Love Will Keep Us Together, Hotel California,
Beat It, Don't Worry Be Happy, Unforgettable,
Tears in Heaven, Beautiful Day

These songs are both instantly recognizable and have left astounding marks on both music and human consciousness. When I mention any of these songs to you, you can instantly hum a bar, maybe even sing the entire song to me. Artists like Henry Mancini, Paul Simon, Quincey Jones, Eric Clapton, Michael Jackson, Frank Sinatra and many others have created pop songs that are worthy of mention: masterfully crafted, beautifully performed and truly representative of the 20th century as a whole.

Now let's observe this year's nominations for Record of the Year:

Halo by Beyonce
I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas
Use Somebody by Kings of Leon
Pokerface by Lady GaGa
You Belong with Me by Taylor Swift.

In reading these nominations, I was absolutely stunned. The things I've listened to this year collectively have not added up to a series of nominations this bleak and devoid of true inspiration. Can any of these even compare to the songs I mentioned above? Even to other songs in the 2000's like Smooth, Walk On and Don't Know Why?

Let's look at each individually.

First, we have Beyonce Knowles. Queen of the R&B/passionate female pop kingdom, she rule with an iron fist and will not relinquish her grip for another 15 years at least. Her record, I Am...Sasha Fierce, is a statute of 21st century female empowerment and truly glamorous pop. Songs like Halo, If I Were a Boy and of course Single Ladies are all exemplary of this year in music and her 10 Grammy nominations reflect this.

However, glamorous pop doesn't make good pop. Has anyone forgotten that If I Were A Boy was stolen from BC Jean, an up-coming singer-songwriter from California? Has anyone forgotten that SHE WAS 22 AT THE TIME!?!?!??!?! Has anyone forgotten that Beyonce and Columbia Records payed her off and gave her writer credits?

Single Ladies, while compared by some to Respect and I Will Survive as a means of female empowerment, has Beyonce becoming a paranoid schizophrenic. Her alter ego, Sasha Fierce, is a broken, empowered woman on the rebound just wanting to let her hair down and prove to her man that she ain't no hollaback girl. Beyonce again proves that women can be both powerful, passionate and complete sluts all at once and STILL get a $5 million engagement ring from Jay-Z.

Halo, the nominated song, is intriguing. Of the songs here, it's probably the best. Beyonce has an uncanny way of drawing us into her music using little more than her passion and the expressive nature of her voice. Her scars are evident and that makes the passion of this track stand out. Quite good, but no record of the year.

Oh the Black Eyed Peas. If you really think about it, this is the ultimate boy band. There's one musically relevant member, a few mediocre submembers in the background to round it out and then a seemingly attractive one, who in this case is a woman. The industry salivates over the prospect of this group and their latest album, The E.N.D. (The Energy Never Dies). 4 years in the making, it has the future beats and vapid lyrics that make women wanna dance and guys feel like they'll grind with a chick way hotter than they are.

While we know who will.i.am and Fergie are and acknowledge what they do, there is one person who makes truly makes this album work. His name is David Guetta. Odds are you've heard his work, as he's basically developed every catchy beat this year (Sexy Bitch, When Love Takes Over, Love is Gone). However, you probably have no idea who he is. He's a DJ, born and raised in Paris, France. He's Jewish and a devout family man. He's also 42. The list of songs developed to appease the culturally empty white kids in middle America, who just want to go clubbing on the weekend, were all mixed by a middle-aged French Jew. That's kind of amazing.

That list of songs includes I Gotta Feeling. The title is a grammatical error, which already makes me want to punch Fergie in the throat until she pees herself. The beat is instantly danceable and vapid, just like this megamix's music should be. But there's something missing in The E.N.D. that I once saw from BEP on Elephunk and Monkey Business. Despite the slow wit and lack of panache in their greatest hits, there were moments of clarity. The E.N.D., however, has none and therefore is irrelevant. This song is much the same.

Kings of Leon are a bit of an enigma. There's one part of them that's badass, rock n' roll and intriguing to listen to. The part that gives us an edgy, post-grunge vibe, reminiscent of a simpler time for the Foo Fighters. This part has passion, talent and gives us a real kick when the band cranks it to 11 and unleashes something raw and untamed.

On the other hand...this band is essentially the Jonas Brothers. Four brothers banded together through faith, middle-America and a mutual love of songwriting sounds a lot like the horrible, HORRIBLE Disney stars that have pervaded the industry recently. Take from it what you will, their success was gradual and in they eyes of teenage girls, they're the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Use Somebody is a catchy tune with decent guitar work. Unrequited love and heartbreak seem to be common pop themes recently, but wrapping it up in a shaggy, unshaven rock band bow is something not quite as frequent. KOL do something interesting with this song, as they move away from misogynist mainstream rock like Nickelback and Theory of a Deadman. Oh wait, never mind...they're also the band that wrote Sex on Fire. The long and the short, Kings of Leon aren't the worst thing to come out in 2009, but the Grammies can do far better.

Lady Gaga can also be said to be enigmatic, but for a host of other reasons. Although her gender and sexuality aren't specific, this creature is the most profound performer among the nominees. Enriched in philosophy and subcultural understanding, her album, The Fame, grew to dramatic heights in 2009 and received unprecedented number of award nominations. Her work is weird, inspired, musically relevant and, in a bizarre way, touching.

Does anyone else think that The Fame was way too easy a title to pick for this work?

The many sides of love and fame are explored in this album, yet the entire experience still lacks in a refined sentiment. Her dancing and fashion are bizarre and horrible, respectively, yet where she's trying to come off as a person with complex emotions to be reflected in the listening public, she still comes up rather shallow a lot of the time. One such shallow moment is Poker Face, the nominated song. Instantly catchy and lyrically decent, Gaga has played upon many of the pop world's soggy cliches and hasn't progressed much further than her contemporaries with this one.

Finally, we look at Coyote Ugly bartender in the making, Taylor Swift. Quickly becoming the world's biggest country star (both figuratively and in height), Swift's new album Fearless is as vapid and poppy as country can get. Combining the horrible Disney channel phenomena and a penchant for sappy acoustic breakup songs, it's plain to see why this 20 year old woman is now the world's most downloaded artist.

You Belong twith Me is an easy song to break down in the sense that there is nothing even remotely good about it. Let's observe the lyrics: comparative high school feminism, crush on an athlete, remote feelings of pathos and even poorer word choice (She wears short skirts/I wear t-shirts? Really!!?!?!?). Swift has written a song about 70% of self-loathing high school girls in America and it shows. Let's look at the music: bland guitar chorus, simple harmonies and scathing verses. The vocals are also incredibly suspect, not only in the accuracy of notation, but whether Swift is actually able to sound like that in real life.

Arguably the most frightening thing about this song is that this is, in fact, the record's cover. The cover is, in fact, EXACTLY what the song is about. Creativity, along with chivalry, has been brutally stabbed this day and, speaking on their behalf, band geeks have been horribly misrepresented. I'd rather not say anything more about this track. Long story short, I'll be least satisfied if this wins.

To conclude, the inevitability of the crap-generating machine that is the recording industry is certain to remain with us for quite some time. Naturally, the pursuit of capitalism remains its top priority, but I would rather the large corporations like Capitol, EMI and Sony BMG take a step back, reflect on their musical decisions and adopt more talent that is, in fact, talented! We take a rather large amount of music for granted (on the radio, on TV, on the Internet), but for those who search for music as a tool for enlightenment and brilliance, the recording industry has stymied them over and over again in recent years. Indie artists need to take the power back.